|
[09 Nov 2006|11:55am] |
yosemite! i can sum it up in 3 words. work, love, booze. that's what national parks are all about, right? not beautiful sights, or exciting outdoor adventures, appreciation of nature, or environmentalism, or quiet solitude and reflection. i sell my soul by day to an evil corporation. i'm not even nice any more. that's how much it changed me. at night i give my heart to probably the best boy i've ever known. in the in betweens, alcohol, and lots of it. i mean. the occasional run, and lots of reading, and whatevs. but that sums it up.
i'll be in AK dec. 20th to dec. 29th. i'm spending new years in San Francisco with Teddy to go to his friends wedding, and to have the best new years ever. i'm probably going to be back in Humboldt next semester. I may visit SLO briefly.
there's not a whole lot to say, because i understand why the lifers here are as braindead as they are, there's not a whole lot going on here.
the love part is pretty great.
|
|
|
[27 Aug 2006|05:25pm] |
in 12 hours, i will be blearily awake with a racing heart, worried about missing my bus, and thinking excitedly of reunion.
in 24 hours, i will be there with him.
i'm a bundle of anxiety and love and nerves and wanting and i feel like i'm bound to explode or fall over with all of this inside me.
i'm scared, but i'm happy.
|
|
|
[19 Aug 2006|02:57pm] |
war, please stop killing my friends. i'd rather have Shane Woods than Shane Woods Day. i'd rather have a person than a memory.
RIP
Shane Woods
|
|
| forever or a day. |
[19 Aug 2006|12:30pm] |
i'm in the bay area, limbo land, for today and tomorrow morning. left yosemite yesterday. it was vastly upsetting. in our grand gesture, lizzie and i jumped off elephant rock before we left. it's my third jump, but the first jump where i have not screamed in fear or yelled in false boldness. i jumped without a sound and watched the water rushing towards me for what seemed like seconds but surely wasn't more than 1 or 2. the image of the water rushing towards me replays in my head. silent. imminent.
this summer was not so adventuresome as i had expected, hoped, planned. i didn't backpack once. i climbed 4 times. i hiked not even every weekend. i worked a lot. i'm not sure working was worth it. 60 hour weeks of a job you hate. is. hell.
but i met the boy. ted. a slow start, we almost missed, but somehow we came close enough to be sucked into each others gravity. orbit. something. my time was mostly spent working and spending time with the most wonderful dork i know.
our schedules were lame. he worked at 8 am, i worked til 11 pm, so we got all of 9 sleepy hours minus travel time to see each other. different weekends, too.
it's funny how well you can come to know someone just from sleeping by their side every night. at the same time. one month. how little we've scratched the surface. on the day before i left, it bubbled out, no longer containable, the words i love you fell out of my mouth, then his mouth and it tied me even tighter into whatever this is.
i'm torn between taking a semester off of school to stay in yosemite, and continuing with school and friends and familiarity. leases and classes and plans....
to the romantics in you, the spontaneous, the wild, the free, you all tell me there is no choice and that part of me knows it. how can you choose to walk away from love to nothing better, only easier?
to the fear in me. the societal guidelines, the relational failures, the past that creeps up, i just want to run away and being back in humboldt will make it easy. it's not hard to run away when you're already away.
in a move of stupidity, perhaps, human nature of the modern day, i happened upon his myspace, and ted being the open, lovely writer he is, i read excerpts from his last 2 years. heartbreak, it breaks my heart, i dont know more because it is pain for him or because i fear he must still love her?
how can i even talk on the phone about things like that? a conversation of magnitude requires touching and eye contact and breaks for hugs to lose yourself for a second.
he's 8 years older than me, too, and i feel intimidated by his excess of experience. i don't know that i've even ever loved before. i don't know what i want from life. but when i'm near him it doesn't occur to me that we're different.
how to put the past behind? i suppose we all have pasts... but i am not holding on to any former loves...
such insecurity and fear... i've never even been in a relationship for more than a month.
if i return to yosemite it will be so many new and terrifying things.
if i don't i think it'll kill a part of me. not just heartbreak, but knowing that fear is a stronger force in me than love. that i chose comfort over opportunity.
i don't know if i'm the strong spontaneous person, or the one who just falls into whatever life suggests is easy.
conflict.
i want to talk to my mommy.
|
|
|
[24 May 2006|04:21pm] |
"I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"
-Jack Kerouac, On the Road
It's all about burning, really. Burning notes in a bonfire on the beach. Burning quads after a good workout. Burning with passion for living.
I only hope that I may be pyromaniacal in my life.
|
|
|
[22 May 2006|02:24am] |
another day. another not dollar.
watched the sea inside. oh movie. why must you be so sad?
i'm rereading the poisonwood bible. i love that book. it's slower this time, because i don't have to rush to find out what happens.
i got drunk on gin and tonic at home, got hyper and decided to wander.
ended up at steve's. some other kids were there, too. we drank tang. and watched closer. also, upsetting movie. the tang was good. i could stare at steve forever.
some guy i barely know posted a thing on myspace, a survey about sex. feeling bored in the middle of the day, i filled it out and sent it to him, requesting his answers in response. getting the answers, it just made me feel a little less... good. i don't think i really wanted to know, and on that i don't think i really needed him to know that about me either.
eh.
|
|
|
[18 May 2006|03:25pm] |
|
today i read "the kite runner". it was a really good book. i feel funny reading books that get a lot of press, or that i hear a lot about. i still have this aversion to all things trendy. however. really good book. it made me cry a lot. pretty much for most of the book. my favorite books usually make me cry.
|
|
|
[17 May 2006|04:28pm] |
my roommate got a cat. her name is tiny. she's fat. she waddles. it isn't like belly fat though, it's like side fat. she looks like she swallowed a dinner plate. or a pumpkin. or a football. she's really friendly. and she purrs really loud.
this is a funny comic.
http://www.jsayers.com/thingpart/thingpart42.html
summer!
|
|
|
[13 May 2006|12:50pm] |
Summer Kick-Off.
Last night after a dinner party with delicious curry and games of Hide-and-Seek and Cops-and-Robbers (which i didn't actually play), I headed to a party-party with my chem buddies.
It was probably the most fun I've ever had at a party.
There was this guy there who I met once 2 years ago who remembered my name and everything, I barely recollected him. But he was really into... singing... and rapping... so there was a group of about 5 or 7 of us singing and acappellaing Smashmouth and Sublime and Jimi Hendrix and TLC and it was hilarious fun. He also did some freestyling.
I did my first freestyle ever, about being scared of spiders... (he started it).
I think it went something like,
eight legs, i don't like it!
hit it with a board, then spike it!
i don't like spiders,
they're insiders,
i don't like them... near... me...
(ps: i don't actually kill spiders, because that is gross too).
it was pretty much just general drunken silliness, but with super fun people. i kept trying to convince people that i went to elementary school with them, or that i know moe, and why don't they know moe?
walked home at 2 am. my bed was covered with stuff so i slept on the floor. i started shivering uncontrollably because i had spent 4 hours outside without recognizing my body temperature at all. everything was kind of spinning when i closed my eyes.
anyway. daytime again. margie is moved into my room, but i'm not really moved out yet. i'm in an up in the air place. i'll find out monday if i get my job.
man it's good to be summer.
i love you!
|
|
|
[10 May 2006|06:16pm] |
i've been cleaning my room. tidying up the loose ends of the year.
turns out that this semester has been a resounding failure.
physically, emotionally, educationally, personally, mentally...
i give myself an F.
i may have screwed myself out of a job this summer. i may know on monday.
anyway. i probably have the ability to do well on my genetics final if i study, but i have no desire to.
failure to care = failure to do well.
eff-ay-eye-ell.
|
|
|
[09 May 2006|09:08am] |
so i'm sick. it's lame. uncontrollable coughing spells. coughing until i throw up. coughing until i throw out my ribs.
i'm also supposed to be racing in this big crew race this weekend. i really haven't wanted to. but if i can't go, my whole boat can't go.
anyway. i can't go.
here's where i feel kind of bad: i wished that i would get sick so i didn't have to race.
i left a message with my coach yesterday telling her that i wouldn't be able to go.
went to bed around 7:30, lay in bed coughing for 2 hours. (well, or going to puke) my coach calls. here are the highlights.
"hi zara."
"hi."
"you know i don't think i've ever known anyone who has gotten sick as much as you have." (in accusatory tone)
"yeah, it's been a rough semester." (i've been sick for about 6 weeks)
"you know that there aren't any other ports who can take your place in the boat."
"yeah, i know... this morning i thought i would be able to row, but then this afternoon i coughed really hard and hurt my ribs, and now when i move or cough or laugh or breathe it's this really sharp pain." (i was crying through most of this)
"bye zara."
no one can lay a guilt trip down as hard as my coach. not even my parents. not even close. it's hard to say what i feel about that. i really haven't mentally been there at practice the last 6 weeks. i also have honestly been sick. so is she fairly blaming me for my mental inadequacy? or is unfairly blaming me for my physical illness? i'unno.
needless to say i cried a whole bunch (which also hurt my ribs), but it also stopped my cough and i fell well asleep.
my eyes are really puffy this morning.
|
|
|
[05 May 2006|08:12pm] |
options:
- go with lizzie to play fest... too late for that
- go study with chemistry friends
- go to crew boys' party looking really pretty and then getting upset
- go to cinco de mayo party and feel like third wheel
- stay at home and procrastinate
- stay at home and pack
- stay at home and study
- stay at home and sleep.
i'm in a freakout state of mind where i just want to be running around and doing things... in this case, pretty much all the wrong things. but will i? earlier i had the conviction to ignore the goings on which could be short-term fun and long-term pain... but now? temptation rises!
blah. i suck.
ps: i am wearing my pretty new black dress and 4 inch heels from the crew banquet still. i look like a girl! i even did my hair! i put on makeup but then i felt like a whore so i took it off again. so not too girly. wait. yes. dress. heels. hair. girly.
|
|
|
[03 May 2006|04:49pm] |
i am tired. i think i am getting sick again, after being mostly well for all of a week, and being completely well for a total of zero days.
stress presides in this court of hip hop.
but it is sunny and amazing, and i probably have some of the best friends in the entire world.
|
|
|
[26 Apr 2006|08:22pm] |
boys are dumb. and when i say this, what i really mean is, "when it comes to boys, i am dumb."
i'm a big ball of stress. i have so much to do, i don't even know what to do first.
paper, exam, homework, unknown (late), taxes (late), FAFSA, insurance (late), drug test for job (late), travelling this weekend, sending off mail, problem set. finals, packing, storage, rescheduling finals, possibly packing up entire life before finals then taking entire summer with me to sacramento after finals and finding a way to get from sacramento to yosemite, assuming i get the job, which will require me to take care of that drug test (which isn't an issue of drugs, but rather an issue of transportation and time), and i'm not getting enough sleep.
and boys are dumb. by which i mean, i'm fucking dumb about boys.
i cannot wait until summer, but it will only be good if i get all my shit taken care of.
ps: i've always thought this was a ridiculously sexy song... listening to the lyrics more clearly... it is pretty much just fucked up. appropos? je ne sais pas. the next song on random is "lover i don't have to love" by bright eyes. cheery cheery.
|
|
|
[18 Apr 2006|07:04pm] |
it was a ridiculously beautiful day today.
i almost had an emotion. i came near to crying. my eyes were more humid than normal, due to emotion.
but i didn't, because my brain said, NO! No emotion! Only be a robot!
so basically.
being sick is dumb.
guys are dumb.
not rowing is dumb.
i'm really bad at communicating.
i was hungry when i came home, and i don't have much food. so i decided i would eat some popcorn. funny thing about popcorn and an irritated throat... is you cough until you cry and puke and hurt your ribs.
so. according to robin, if i'm miraculously better by tomorrow night, i can race this weekend. miracle cure, miracle cure, i need a miracle cure. maybe i will try garlic. jeremiah swears by it. a bunch of people on the internet swear by it. well... 10 cherry coughdrops later and i still can't get the taste of garlic of my mouth. and i think cherry cough drops and garlic are probably the worst flavor combination in the world.
anyway. zara = disconnect.
|
|
|
[17 Apr 2006|07:09pm] |
i feel very empty today.
empty. the glass is half-full. of mucus. bleh.
maybe i feel empty because i haven't been eating much.
if i couldn't feel this chair i'm sitting in, and the computer on my lap, and my socks on my feet... i don't think i'd know i exist.
funny-feeling.
things to be done. teeny tiny. oh-so important. huge and grand and idealistic.
things to be done.
things not done.
things are not done.
robots, you and me both.
can you really talk about the true nature of life and love and souls ? and still say you're a robot? you confuse me.
everything is pretty confusing right now.
i should stop thinking, right.
feel what's real.
my jeans. this chair. ha. ha ha ha. i make funny.
i see where it would be nice to have some greater thing to turn to.
but all i've got is the huge amazing sun and universe and people in my life.
said the robot.
walking off a cliff.
silly robot.
robots are impervious to music.
empty.
i feel empty.
|
|
|
[13 Apr 2006|10:05pm] |
being sick is lame.
wishing boys would call when they don't is lame.
not studying for quizzes is lame.
|
|
|
[11 Apr 2006|01:04pm] |
i'm high on boys and hills and puppies.
|
|
|
[04 Apr 2006|04:32pm] |
responsibility.
did my physics homework. all by myself! last minute of course. but i did it. second to last minute i would say.
figured out my first unknown for o-chem. all by myself! with the internet. but the internet only confirmed my suspicions. good internet. at the last minute as well.
went to the training room. except not today when i should have. my back still hurts. they still do things to make it hurt less. but only temporarily.
paid rent.
other errands.
called yosemite. they told me i'm hired! i haven't gotten the official letter yet, but woo! i left my heart in yosemite.
i'unno.
i ate some fruits and vegetables yesterday, too.
proud yet?
i'm working on it. spring blahs are fighting me hard. plus i'm sick again. bleh.
okay. i might try to study, or by try to study i mean go home and make snickerdoodles and read a not very good novel. and skip class. how's that for responsibility?!!! ok, not very good i know, i'm trying.
|
|
|
[02 Apr 2006|12:29pm] |
"lying with your eyes open..."
"yeah."
(am i lying with my eyes open? lying eyes? lying mouth?)
"like rambo."
"does rambo lie with his eyes open?"
(i bet rambo lies whenever he wants to. does he ever lay there and think? does rambo think to much? i don't know anything about rambo.)
"i dunno, maybe."
(i am thinking too much.)
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92){kind=small}
thegadjits's journal